On Communication

Communication; simple enough, it's just talking, right?


While this might be a common term, there is so much more to real and effective communication than simply talking.  Whereas talking simply involves the oral production of words, communication delves deeper to convey an interchange of ideas, concepts, or experiences.  This involves not only talking, but listening, as well.  When two or more individuals are engaged in a discussion, debate, or other exchange of perspectives, it's unlikely that authentic communication will occur if everyone just talks.  Rather, when one individual talks, it is important that others actively listen, even if the listeners do not agree with the message the speaker is sending.  This seems very simple, so why do we often get it wrong?  The short answer is that nearly everyone wishes to be heard and this need can become so strong that we make the mistake of not taking the time to play the role of listener.  However, there is hope!


The first point is recognizing that each of us has something we deem worthy of saying and that we want someone else to take the time to really hear it.  It is true, however, that only one person can speak at a time if we are to have an effective discussion.  With that being said, there are a number of ways to initiate and maintain healthy discussions.  For instance, some have chosen an object to determine who's turn it is to speak.  This can be any object, a feather, a lavender scented sachet (possibly calming), an amulet, or any other non-threatening hand held item.  Participants in the discussion may also wish to set some ground rules before the communicating begins.  These can be simple rules for all to follow that will help guide us when we feel that emotions may cause the discussion to go awry.  The following is a list of a few simple rules that may aide in effectively communicating:


1. Only the person holding the chosen item, may speak.


2. The speaker has five minutes to say what he or she is experiencing.


3. The speaker must pass the hand-held item after the five minute period has ended.


4. The speaker may not use attacking, insulting, or threatening language toward any listener(s).


5. The listener(s) MUST refrain from interrupting the speaker; the listener may use a notepad to jot down ideas or thoughts he/she wishes to comment on during his/her turn speaking.


Keep in mind that this is not an exhaustive list, but merely a starting point and can be altered by the members, (before the discussion begins), in order to facilitate communication.


Another important piece of healthy communication is to utilize what are called I statements, instead of YOU statements.  The reason being, is that we all tend to get defensive when someone starts out with, "Well, if YOU had just.....".  Rather than hear what the speaker is trying to convey, we put up a wall of defensiveness.  Remember though, we cannot hug each other through walls.  When a speaker uses an I statement, he or she is merely stating his or her truth.  For example, "I get angry when I am compared to your ex-girlfriend".  When we look closely at this statement, the speaker is merely stating her own feelings and this comes across to the listener as far less accusatory or threatening than, "You make me angry when you compare me to your ex-girlfriend".  In the first statement, the speaker is taking ownership and responsibility for her own feelings, whereas in the second statement, she is placing responsibility for her feelings on the listener. 


 We all have emotional experiences and our emotions are our own property; no one can make them for us and no one can take them away from us! 


 When the listener hears the first statement, he is unlikely to feel blamed for the speaker's distress, though he will still understand his involvement in the situation.  The listener is likely to respond to the first statement with something like, "Sometimes I see behaviors that remind me of my ex-girlfriend and that frightens me; so it's like this alarm goes off in my head and I react by making the comparison between you and her.  I guess it's to try and get some distance or protect myself somehow from that bad experience I had in the past".  In this statement, the person who is now speaking, is acknowledging his own internal feelings and fears of repeating a very bad relationship from the past.  He is not accusing, blaming, or threatening the listener.  He is taking ownership for his feelings and his behaviors.


It may well feel odd the first few times you engage in this new way of communicating.  However, just like everything else, it takes some practice.  You are not likely to become a perfectly effective communicator in one sitting, but do not get discouraged, because you are indeed making good progress!  Consider the following differences in the previous discussion when using I and YOU statements between our imaginary couple; we'll call them Alexis and Michael.


YOU statements:
A: "You make me angry when you compare me to your ex-girlfriend". 
M: "Well, if you wouldn't act so damn crazy like her then maybe I wouldn't have to call you out on it!" 
A: "I am NOT YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND!" 
M: "There you go again, freaking out just like her. You're all the same".


I statements:
A: "I get angry when I am compared to your ex-girlfriend".  
M: "Sometimes I see behaviors that remind me of my ex-girlfriend and that frightens me; so it's like this alarm goes off in my head and I react by making the comparison between you and her.  I guess it's to try and get some distance or protect myself somehow from that bad experience I had in the past". 
A: "Well, I know she was a nut-case and really messed with your head, but I love you and I want this relationship to work.  It's okay to let me know when you're feeling freaked out or something, we can work through it together." 
M: "Yeah, I would really like that.  I want this relationship too, I really love you and I appreciate how good you are to me.  It's just new because no one has ever done this for me before".

From the two examples above we see how dramatically different the outcome can be when we substitute I statements for YOU statements.  When we take the time to really listen to what someone is saying underneath all that anger, pain, and frustration we see things from a different perspective and then we don't feel so threatened or hurt.  It can also help to think of healthy communication like playing a game of catch.  When we play a game of catch we throw the ball or disc TO one another, not AT one another!  Given we want the relationship to work, it is very important to always keep in mind, we're on the same team.

Well, I sincerely hope this has been enlightening and enjoyable.  I would recommend trying some of the aforementioned techniques together with some very lighthearted subjects at first, as to avoid any immediate catastrophes.  If you feel you need help with communication in your family or partnership, I encourage you to consult a therapist or psychologist for couples or family therapy.  If you feel you might be in a dangerous or abusive relationship, please consider building a plan to ensure the safety of yourself and any children or dependents, contact your local authorities, domestic violence shelters, and/or a trauma therapist for help.  Here's to wishing you Good Mental Health.